The Power of a Woman
I have a confession to make.
This post is NO WHERE in my 'To-Do List' for today. My list wraps around the planet, and I'll never accomplish a quarter of it. First of the list is to sleep. Will I accomplish that? Unlikely. Second on my list? Shower. Because I stink, and I can't help it. Third? Buy food to make dinner. I'll accomplish the latter two items listed today because my mother and step-dad are saviors and they're coming to visit/babysit. I won't bore you further with items like "change the bed sheets that now have enough Zoe hair on them to make an entirely new dog", "try and do the dishes", and "attempt to make dinner with the ingredients just purchased".
And don't worry, people. I plan on showering before going to the store. If fellow shoppers start scattering when I come near, it will be for an entirely different reason, I swear. :)
So you may find yourself wondering why in the world I choose to be writing a blog post instead of sleeping. Well, I'll tell you. Hannah is conked out on my chest right now, and when I even think of putting her to sleep somewhere else, she can sense it. She starts to squawk like a pissed off pterodactyl. I'm lucky that she's letting me type with both hands right now instead of using one to pat her back like a robot for hours on end.
It's pretty awesome.
Sleep will have to wait. And besides, this subject is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope someone out there will read this and say, "Huh. Okay, cool. I'm not the only one. Thank goodness!" because that is why I do what I do. That, and to make you all giggle like school girls. So if I can accomplish one out of two on any given day, I'm doin' good. One quick word before I dive in, however-- I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post. I plan on being brutally honest, and I find myself biting my mental fingernails that someone will misinterpret my thoughts and opinions. But, eh. Here goes nothin'.
I've been battling feelings of guilt the past few days because I don't feel the same overpowering love for Hannah than I did when I first glimpsed her in the hospital. I keep asking myself why that is. . . and this is the only thing I can come up with. I think it's because at this stage in her existence, all she does is 'take take take' and it is exhausting- mentally, spiritually, and physically. Every now and again, I'll be rewarded with a sweet smile, but we all know that's more the result of gas than her undying loyalty and love for her mamma.
Recently, Hannah has started sleeping less, which means I've been sleeping less. I like sleep. No, wait. . . I LOVE sleep. I need it. And I'm not getting it. But that was something I expected going into this, so I won't complain about that anymore :)
One thing I did NOT expect, however, was how breastfeeding would annihilate my poor 'ladies' {If my hubby happens to read this, I know exactly what just passed his lips. He said, "'Annihilate' is an understatement." and there are times where I would have to agree}. Breastfeeding has also made me swear like a seasoned sailor {Seriously. It's bad, guys.}, and make me sob uncontrollably more often than not.
Ouchie.
My right 'lady' is currently out of commission, she's so bad. She has been since early yesterday, and I dread latching my little Hannah-leech on again after today. But I'll survive.
I'll somehow survive it all. . . One day. I might not feel like I survive today, but I'll survive tomorrow.
And that's part of the power of a woman. We survive!
Another part is that we somehow (hopefully) manage to inspire those around us as we survive. We lean on each other, and support one another as well. We should always strive to look at each others' lives as a way to inspire ourselves and never tear ourselves down. I know I've been sorely tempted the past 2.5 weeks to look at all my friend's profiles on Facebook and say, "Why don't THEY ever struggle with their baby? Why are they always so perfect? How do THEY keep their house cute and clean? I can't even get Hannah to let me put a shirt on some days!"
But then I realize that we're all really quite skilled at only showing what we want to about our lives. We allow people to look at our lives through a tiny little peep hole, and even then, the peep hole is covered in thick saran wrap that often distorts reality. I can make my house look clean, too, depending on the angle I hold the camera. BAM! Genius. Of course, at this point, I would have to hold the camera about an inch away from my forehead in order to block out the mess. But, um, that's not the important thing :)
I cry. A lot. I haven't been perpetually happy the past 2.5 weeks, but if I didn't openly confess that and you don't look too closely at my puffy eyelids, you probably would never guess it. Same thing with my sudden potty mouth. My poor husband has heard things fly from my orifice that he never thought he would. I'VE heard things fly from my orifice that I never thought I would.
I'm not perfect, but that's part of the power of a woman. None of us are perfect, but we do the best we can.
Women have a divine nature granted them from Heavenly Father that is designed to nurture and love those around us. We are blessed with capabilities that are essentially to little babies, and I'm forever thankful for that. Being a mommy is awesome, albeit the hardest thing I have EVER done. I still have to tell myself that it's awesome forty-five times in a row before I really start to believe it, but I know it will get better. Hannah will grow and change (more than she already has! The little stinker weighed 8 pounds at her 2 week checkup and her face matures more every day!), and so will I. We will both get stronger. And hopefully so will my ladies :)
Our greatest cheerleader and our fiercest critic is ourselves. I know that all too well, trust me. I'd guess that more than 50% of the tears I've shed since Hannah's birth have been the result of tearing myself down and mentally stuffing myself in an alleyway dumpster than actual physical pain and exhaustion. Granted, I don't think those two other things help matters, but, still. I need to be nicer to myself and to my potential.
I can be an amazing mother if I give myself the chance. I simply need to cut myself some slack, for Pete's sake! And let the hormones work themselves out of my system. . . :) Chances are there's something in your life that you need to cut yourself some slack in regards to, as well. If you just shook your head, don't lie to yourself. :) If you just shrugged your shoulders and scratched your noggin, dig deep. You'll think of something. Life is hard enough without making it harder on yourself by demanding instantaneous perfection in every facet of your life.
It's like Dory says in 'Finding Nemo'. . . "Just keep swimming!" Just keep trying! One day I'll breastfeed without cringing or bawling. One day you'll accomplish what you are struggling with, too. And it will be glorious. I think I will sing and dance. On the table. With pom poms. And 80's music.
Remember that you're blessed with an amazing power. You're a woman! You can do it!
This post is NO WHERE in my 'To-Do List' for today. My list wraps around the planet, and I'll never accomplish a quarter of it. First of the list is to sleep. Will I accomplish that? Unlikely. Second on my list? Shower. Because I stink, and I can't help it. Third? Buy food to make dinner. I'll accomplish the latter two items listed today because my mother and step-dad are saviors and they're coming to visit/babysit. I won't bore you further with items like "change the bed sheets that now have enough Zoe hair on them to make an entirely new dog", "try and do the dishes", and "attempt to make dinner with the ingredients just purchased".
And don't worry, people. I plan on showering before going to the store. If fellow shoppers start scattering when I come near, it will be for an entirely different reason, I swear. :)
So you may find yourself wondering why in the world I choose to be writing a blog post instead of sleeping. Well, I'll tell you. Hannah is conked out on my chest right now, and when I even think of putting her to sleep somewhere else, she can sense it. She starts to squawk like a pissed off pterodactyl. I'm lucky that she's letting me type with both hands right now instead of using one to pat her back like a robot for hours on end.
It's pretty awesome.
Sleep will have to wait. And besides, this subject is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. I hope someone out there will read this and say, "Huh. Okay, cool. I'm not the only one. Thank goodness!" because that is why I do what I do. That, and to make you all giggle like school girls. So if I can accomplish one out of two on any given day, I'm doin' good. One quick word before I dive in, however-- I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about this post. I plan on being brutally honest, and I find myself biting my mental fingernails that someone will misinterpret my thoughts and opinions. But, eh. Here goes nothin'.
I've been battling feelings of guilt the past few days because I don't feel the same overpowering love for Hannah than I did when I first glimpsed her in the hospital. I keep asking myself why that is. . . and this is the only thing I can come up with. I think it's because at this stage in her existence, all she does is 'take take take' and it is exhausting- mentally, spiritually, and physically. Every now and again, I'll be rewarded with a sweet smile, but we all know that's more the result of gas than her undying loyalty and love for her mamma.
Recently, Hannah has started sleeping less, which means I've been sleeping less. I like sleep. No, wait. . . I LOVE sleep. I need it. And I'm not getting it. But that was something I expected going into this, so I won't complain about that anymore :)
One thing I did NOT expect, however, was how breastfeeding would annihilate my poor 'ladies' {If my hubby happens to read this, I know exactly what just passed his lips. He said, "'Annihilate' is an understatement." and there are times where I would have to agree}. Breastfeeding has also made me swear like a seasoned sailor {Seriously. It's bad, guys.}, and make me sob uncontrollably more often than not.
Ouchie.
My right 'lady' is currently out of commission, she's so bad. She has been since early yesterday, and I dread latching my little Hannah-leech on again after today. But I'll survive.
I'll somehow survive it all. . . One day. I might not feel like I survive today, but I'll survive tomorrow.
And that's part of the power of a woman. We survive!
Another part is that we somehow (hopefully) manage to inspire those around us as we survive. We lean on each other, and support one another as well. We should always strive to look at each others' lives as a way to inspire ourselves and never tear ourselves down. I know I've been sorely tempted the past 2.5 weeks to look at all my friend's profiles on Facebook and say, "Why don't THEY ever struggle with their baby? Why are they always so perfect? How do THEY keep their house cute and clean? I can't even get Hannah to let me put a shirt on some days!"
But then I realize that we're all really quite skilled at only showing what we want to about our lives. We allow people to look at our lives through a tiny little peep hole, and even then, the peep hole is covered in thick saran wrap that often distorts reality. I can make my house look clean, too, depending on the angle I hold the camera. BAM! Genius. Of course, at this point, I would have to hold the camera about an inch away from my forehead in order to block out the mess. But, um, that's not the important thing :)
I cry. A lot. I haven't been perpetually happy the past 2.5 weeks, but if I didn't openly confess that and you don't look too closely at my puffy eyelids, you probably would never guess it. Same thing with my sudden potty mouth. My poor husband has heard things fly from my orifice that he never thought he would. I'VE heard things fly from my orifice that I never thought I would.
I'm not perfect, but that's part of the power of a woman. None of us are perfect, but we do the best we can.
Women have a divine nature granted them from Heavenly Father that is designed to nurture and love those around us. We are blessed with capabilities that are essentially to little babies, and I'm forever thankful for that. Being a mommy is awesome, albeit the hardest thing I have EVER done. I still have to tell myself that it's awesome forty-five times in a row before I really start to believe it, but I know it will get better. Hannah will grow and change (more than she already has! The little stinker weighed 8 pounds at her 2 week checkup and her face matures more every day!), and so will I. We will both get stronger. And hopefully so will my ladies :)
Our greatest cheerleader and our fiercest critic is ourselves. I know that all too well, trust me. I'd guess that more than 50% of the tears I've shed since Hannah's birth have been the result of tearing myself down and mentally stuffing myself in an alleyway dumpster than actual physical pain and exhaustion. Granted, I don't think those two other things help matters, but, still. I need to be nicer to myself and to my potential.
I can be an amazing mother if I give myself the chance. I simply need to cut myself some slack, for Pete's sake! And let the hormones work themselves out of my system. . . :) Chances are there's something in your life that you need to cut yourself some slack in regards to, as well. If you just shook your head, don't lie to yourself. :) If you just shrugged your shoulders and scratched your noggin, dig deep. You'll think of something. Life is hard enough without making it harder on yourself by demanding instantaneous perfection in every facet of your life.
It's like Dory says in 'Finding Nemo'. . . "Just keep swimming!" Just keep trying! One day I'll breastfeed without cringing or bawling. One day you'll accomplish what you are struggling with, too. And it will be glorious. I think I will sing and dance. On the table. With pom poms. And 80's music.
Remember that you're blessed with an amazing power. You're a woman! You can do it!
You poor little soul. You are in the deep throes of it, and you are brutally honest. It's all true! Every last bit! A couple things here:
ReplyDelete1. If your ladies get any more annihilated, just know you have two different options before formula (although after 7 months, I gave up entirely and did formula until one year old!):
a. There are nipple shields that literally saved me from disaster. I have very sensitive, fair skin, and my oh my, even with the shields I bled, but it wasn't too terrible. Especially if you get some Lansinoh cream. That was a lifesaver.
b. Pumping is SO MUCH BETTER than breastfeeding. Because everything is adjustable and works right (unlike a cute baby), it is 1000X more comfortable. So if you are about to give up, try a pump. If you need recommendations, let me know.
2. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR ANYTHING! You are allowed to let her cry a minute so you can pee. You are totally allowed to not feel complete, incredible love for her every minute (I STILL have days where I want to kill Lucas more than I want to hug him, but it all works out. It's one of those rare things in life that you can love and dread, I promise it's alright.)
3. I laughed my HEAD OFF when you said you swore like a seasoned sailor. I did the very same thing! I was amazingly controlled, and I have never sworn more or more often than when I had a newborn! (Who am I kidding, I still do it on hard days.) You are just fine, better than fine. :)
4. You better bet your bottom-dollar I only put the best on my Facebook profile. And on my blog, for the most part. You better believe I twist all my statuses to seem funny about things that are driving me nuts or making me sob in the shower. Every stinkin' time. You better believe that my house is only clean in the frame, or if it's clean, it's when Nick is home, or at the end of the day when I have time and Lucas is in bed. I am always tired, but you have very few pictures of me on Facebook, and I'm never tired in those. In fact, I'll tell you right now a little secret of mine: I almost NEVER get out of my jammies on Monday, Wednesday, or Fridays. Come surprise me one time—it's true! If I do, it's after about 2 PM, when Lucas has had a nap, I've caught a shower, after doing exercises or dishes. You don't see that on Facebook. Just last Wednesday I had such a horrible day with Lucas (he was getting all four molars in at once, was awful, and wouldn't sleep!), I literally cried with him halfway through the day because we were both upset and tired of the day. When Nick got home, I handed him off and walked out the door. I could NOT be in that house anymore, I hated that whole day and cried myself to sleep. And I thought I was OVER that in the newborn stage! But parenting will always be hard. It's one of those special things about life, and those things make you laugh AND cry, even in the same half-hour. :) It's okay, this is what is SUPPOSED to happen.
ReplyDelete5. I didn't wear anything but a nursing bra (no shirt, no garment top) for at least three months. I just couldn't get it all down very quickly, and lifting up my shirt was too much work. I didn't nurse in public well...probably ever. :) It's so difficult in every way. It's okay to admit that. You're doing it despite that because it's what's best for your baby. :) I used to joke that there is no good reason to nurse, unless you are trying to get into heaven fast, or you're poor. :) It's just too much trouble to be logical!
6. I throw myself in a back-alley dumpster, too, girl. It's Satan's perfect way of getting to us, because it's OUR voice in our head. But it's not our message. You are doing what you should be, and you are doing it well, darling. Don't you worry. It WILL get better. Not tomorrow, not for a few weeks, but it will. One day Hannah will smile at you, and six weeks of pure pain will melt. And then with that, you can take on a few more hours. :) If you in any way start feeling too angry or broken to cope, if you have any thoughts of hurting yourself in any way (even just hoping for a broken leg so you could get some in-house help), you better call me, dang-nabbit. After suffering with PPD myself (and it hits AFTER the 3 week mark), I am determined to never let anyone hurt like I did. So don't help me let myself down. Please call me. Complain to me. Feel free to pick up the phone and sob away. I was there, too. I get it. You are wonderful, and I'll sing it until you believe it again. Take care of yourself dear. Merry Christmas!
Oh Jess. It seems like I need this constant reminder. These last few weeks I have been doing REALLY good at hitting my goals, but you wanna know whats ironic? The better I did... the harder I was on myself. Seriously... Im not a Mom... So I don't have much advice except for... You're doing something right because you inspire and touch me and its seriously divine and needed. I honestly go to your blog for inspiration and light, and thats exactly what I find. Keep staying strong and keep doing the things your doing. Please never change. I know you're going through a lot, but pray to Heavenly Father for comfort, and its okay to be specific and even ask for Hannah to sleep so you can sleep to. Sometimes we forget to ask for the small things because we think it won't matter to him. When it might grant it to us, all we have to do is ask. I know you are strong, and its your strength that helps me... So keep blogging and stay close to the Lord. Also... If your looking for a little pick me up. Go listen to Kelly Clarkson Stronger. (what doesn't kill you) Girl power! :P Love you girl. Text or call anytime. I sent you my number on facebook.
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