The Blinders

I know I've written a lot about faith over the years (like {HERE} and {HERE} and {HERE} to name a few); and I've also written my fair share about ruts {HERE}. But I've never really noticed how closely the two rub shoulders in my life.

I'm going to confess something here and give you a little peek into how I do things. I hope you're patient with me, and I hope this helps someone else who may be plodding along on their pathway of life.

. . . .

I try really hard to read my scriptures and say my prayers and not lose patience with Hannah. I try really hard to always do what's right.

But sometimes I don't try so hard.

There are times where I allow myself to become lazy. So lazy, in fact, that I go weeks at a time without reading my scriptures {let alone studying them}. I rationalize that it's too cold in the bedroom to get out of bed and kneel to say my prayers, so I either kneel in bed or I don't kneel at all. There are times when I'm frustrated with Hannah before I even get out of bed in the morning.

The other day, it dawned one me. I had just finished getting ready for bed and I was about to crawl under the covers. It had been a long evening of watching some movies on Netflix {gotta make that free trial worth it, see, and turn my brain to mush by overloading it} and I was tired. Chuck was working a graveyard shift and I was all alone. I began to justify again, saying that my toes were cold and I didn't want to kneel down and say my prayers. Then a very clear thought popped into my head and it went something like this : "How cold is it, really? Like, 63 F? You poor thing. What about the people who don't have warm beds to cuddle up in? What about the people who are outside in this weather? And on top of that, what are you telling Heavenly Father when you're too unappreciative of all He's given you that you won't even kneel down to thank Him?"

Needless to say, I knelt that night. And I had one of the best prayers I've experienced in a long while. That experience got the rusty wheels in my noggin turning and I contemplated how much time I spend watching movies and reading novels and browsing Pinterest and checking Facebook and perusing Instagram. I compared that to the amount of time I study the gospel and listen for the voice of the Lord in my life, and I wanted to roll over and play dead.

I was so busy being busy that I left no time to be me.

I'm the kind of girl that loooooves reading an Institute manual, for pity's sake. And I don't say that to make you feel bad if you don't. I say that because I was trying to cut out a chunk of my personality and stuff it full of fluff I really didn't care that much about. I was so set in my ways that I didn't really think about what I was doing. . .I just did it. Does that make any sense?

I had blinders on.

. . .

I'm going to shift gears kind of rapidly, here, but I promise I'll tie it all together again. :)

After I became 8 months pregnant, I stopped teaching private violin lessons. I wanted to get ready for Hannah's arrival, and I knew that I would need some time to get back into the swing of things. I truly enjoyed teaching and I was sorry to see that part of my life take a spot on the back-burner for a while. . . but I took comfort in the knowledge that it was only for a little bit.

It took longer to find the time and energy to get up and running again than I anticipated, but a few months ago, I finally got back into the swing of teaching. But something was missing. Something was different. It wasn't just because I had a kid that really liked to weep and wail and gnash her teeth in the other room that vied for my attention, but it was as though I didn't enjoy it as much as I did before. Before, I felt as though my cup was overflowing with joy after a lesson. Now, it just felt like another thing I checked off my to-do list.

I was in a rut. A deep one.

I was as complacent about teaching as I was about my gospel study. If I could choose a noun that best describes how I felt, it would have to be blob. It wasn't that I was constantly mopping around the house; I felt fine on the outside. But when I took the time to stop and take a gander at how I truly felt, deep down inside; I was unhappy with the result.

I was basically a hollow shell going through the motions of Jessica. I was slowly withering away on the inside, but I was too distracted to notice!

. . .

I decided to take the time to really think about my lesson plans {which I hadn't done in a while; I just flew by the seat of my pants}, and I had a 180 degree turn-around in the outcome of the experience. I was giddy once more! It was so refreshing to pop my head up out of the rut I was in and remember that there was an entire vibrant world waiting to be enjoyed.

I put on my big girl panties and told my shoulder devil that I was going to study the Sunday lesson whether he liked it or not and I'd rather he just zip his trap about it. . . and it felt wonderful.

I felt rejuvenated.

I felt finally at peace again.

I was a much more enjoyable mom who looked forward to a day of picking up toys and changing bums and wiping up spills. . . or at least mostly ;)

. . . .

Life offers a wide arrangement of ruts for us to choose from. We can put our blinders on and go about life like a horse on a well-known trail. If we're not careful, our balance become skewed and we end up in the bushes instead of on the straight and narrow path.

{photo source}

I'm living proof that, no matter what, you can pick the weeds out of your hair and get back on the path. It doesn't matter how far you've strayed. It honestly doesn't. You just have to have faith that your efforts, combined with the efforts of Jesus Christ, are sufficient. You have to have faith that you can get out of your rut.

If I didn't have faith that putting a little elbow grease into my lesson plans would result in making me a better teacher, I wouldn't have bothered. But I did. I gave it a whirl; and do you know what? It worked!

Taking just a few minutes during the day to sit down and study even something as simple as the 3-page lesson for the upcoming Sabbath made my entire day go more smoothly. I had faith that investing a little something there would reap a great harvest somewhere else, and it did. It cultivated my soul and made me a tiny bit better. It opened my eyes to all the good I had been overlooking, and it gave me the strength for one more day.

. .

I hate to sound like a crazy person here. . . but I challenge you to take inventory of how you spend your time. What is your favorite part of your day? Why? Does it uplift you? Does it add to the person you are? Because, frankly, if it doesn't, is it really worth it?

{Granted, I like Pinterest. I really do. I don't see myself throwing it out the window any time soon. But if I spend an hour with my eyes glued to the screen and only end up feeling overwhelmed with inadequacy as a result, then I need to reevaluate it. Also, if the TV show or movie you're watching makes you feel icky or like you're being brainwashed, then maybe it's not worth watching. If the book you're reading makes you crazy, then, yeah. You guessed it. Reevaluate it.}    

Oftentimes the things that are simple enough we discredit them as "pointless" can have such a profound effect as to change the course of our lives over time. What you do today really does matter. "Todays" are what make up your life! Don't be hard on yourself for weaknesses and mistakes that you've made in the past, but commit to trying harder today. Try even harder tomorrow. You'll be amazed at what you can accomplish, my friends.

It takes faith and determination to get out of a rut and discard our blinders. But it can be done.